Editor’s note: If you are struggling or having thoughts of suicide, please reach out for help. In the United States you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline); in Spain you can call 024; elsewhere, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.
What drives a person into depression so deep that they take their own life? We have all felt down at some point because of a problem or a pile of problems. But I believe (and if there’s a psychologist reading, please correct me) that feeling depressed is not the same as being diagnosed with “depression”.
For a long time I thought depression was something that only happened to people with weak minds. Then I saw it first-hand: an old friend and colleague, whom I considered one of the strongest and most determined people I had ever known, slid into a kind of self-destructive spiral that there was no way of pulling him out of.
It all started with problems in his marriage, after he found out that his partner had not been as honest and faithful as he could have expected. He had children, and the divorce was hurting them. Almost overnight, this man who had fought all his life to build some stability found himself without a home, able to see his children only twice a week and every other weekend, and a few other things besides… And just when it seemed nothing could get any worse, he lost his job.
At that point he was like a walking zombie. He had lost his cheerfulness and his energy. As his friends, we supported him, encouraged him, even reminded him of things he himself had said years earlier when facing difficult situations, but nothing seemed to work.
And when he could not sink any lower, his father had a heart attack and died. All these problems together pushed him into drinking. He never tried to take his own life, but the truth is he was never the same again; he was left in a kind of living death. That was when I understood that enough problems piling up can crush anyone’s spirit.
But then there are the other cases, where depression arrives for no apparent reason. If anyone wants to understand what it feels like when that state of mind sets in, a website called Hyperbole and a Half has explained it perfectly. It helps you understand what goes through the mind of people like Robin Williams, to the point of taking their own life. And the truth is that the explanation makes complete sense to anyone.
…I tried going out more, but activities that used to be fun just left me existentially confused and frustrated with my ability to enjoy them…
I didn’t want anyone to know, because I was hoping it was temporary and that I could change it on my own. So you start managing your face and controlling your expressions to look normal. But everyone noticed…
…It’s strange for people who have feelings. They try to help you get back to normal, and it’s frustrating for them when that doesn’t happen…
…At first, I tried to explain that it isn’t really negativity or sadness. It’s more of a meaningless fog in which you can’t feel anything at all. Not even the things you like, not even the fun things. You’re horribly bored and lonely. You’ve lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely. You’re trapped in the boredom, alone, empty of meaning, with nothing to distract you from how bored and alone you are, and how meaningless it all is.
But people want to help. So they try hard to make you feel more optimistic and positive about the situation, but when you explain once again that you can’t experience joy, it inevitably sounds negative and depressing…
…And that is the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn’t always something you can fight. It isn’t even a something. It’s nothing, and you can’t fight nothing. You can’t fill it. You can’t cover it up. It’s just there, knocking the meaning out of everything…
…It would be like having a lot of dead fish all around you, but nobody around you acknowledges that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish. And you know the fish are dead.
You start spending more time alone…
…One of your moments of clarity is when you discover that you are not obliged to go on existing……It’s a strange moment when you realise you don’t want to be alive any more. I’ve spent most of my life actively trying to survive, so if I had had feelings and had not been in a depressed state, I would have been surprised myself at this conclusion that I didn’t want to be alive.
But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was deciding to keep going…
I’ve used excerpts from the article, paraphrased here, because it’s a very long piece, but a very well-crafted one. You can read the full article on the original blog.
Without any doubt, these words capture exactly what it feels like to be depressed, although I suppose not everyone experiences it in the same way.
And that’s why, after seeing so many people fall prey to this illness of the mind, I have always taken problems very seriously, to the point that I try to get rid of them as soon as possible, or at least keep them from piling up.
(See: The hidden price of starting your own business)
Someone with expertise in resolving “interpersonal conflicts” once told me that life is a constant struggle against the many problems that come up, and that depression is the result of letting those problems get the better of us until they spread through our minds like a cancer.
But all professionals agree that there is no worse answer to the struggle against a problem than taking refuge in alcohol or drugs. Many people may think that alcohol helps them escape their problems, when in fact it doesn’t help them escape at all: it intensifies the depression.
Further reading
Featured image: Vincent van Gogh, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
