A few weeks ago I went to a secondary school to talk to young people about financial education. As soon as I walked through the door I saw a group of teenagers smoking marijuana, and several episodes of bullying, both in the playground and in the corridors.
Later, when I went into the classroom, I watched them laugh at the teacher and even speak to him rudely. I took the teacher aside to ask him (out of curiosity) how he could allow them to talk to him like that. With complete resignation, he basically told me there was nothing they could do, because they already come like that from home.
We cannot predict the future a young person will have, but some are clearly heading in one direction, and their future will be drugs, crime and prison. Who is to blame? Obviously, in most cases, it comes down mainly to how their parents raised them (although there are exceptions), because children are often a reflection of their parents.
In second place, we could blame those responsible for clipping the wings of schools so that they have no authority over these spoiled children or their dreadful parents.
The one thing that ordinary parents of ordinary children need to be clear about is that their children will have to live alongside other children whose fate is basically sealed unless someone does something about it.
1. Tell me who your heroes are
Children will look for role models. Without a doubt, the most influential role models in childhood are the parents. According to Adam Grant, a professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, one way of teaching children a certain ethics and set of values is through certain fictional role models.
If we ask a child “What would Batman do in this situation?” or “What would Batman eat?”, the research says that child would be more likely to behave ethically, help others selflessly and even eat better.
Fiction can even develop children’s creativity. Elon Musk and Peter Thiel have acknowledged that their creativity was inspired by The Lord of the Rings, in which the heroes use their creativity to achieve unique feats.
Science has found that drawing inspiration from fictional characters they idolise can help children make better decisions, even more ethical and moral ones.
That is why parents should pay attention to the role models their children are choosing and to the television programmes we put on for them.
See also: Why watching television can literally ruin your life
2. Values above rules
While some rules are needed when raising children, the truth is that science says it is much more effective to emphasise values rather than rules. The famous “because I said so” may get your child to comply at home, but then they may break a rule that doesn’t apply outside the home.
If, on the other hand, we teach them values, we are not talking about rules but about what is right and what is wrong. And what is right is usually right outside the home too. What is wrong is usually wrong anywhere else.
When we instil in children what is right and what is wrong, they internalise a certain ethics and set of rules themselves.
Early communication between children and parents, and keeping it going, is truly important.
Instead of telling a child “it’s like this because I said so”, according to Adam Grant we should change it to something like: “These are the values and principles we believe in, and I’m going to explain why we think they’re important. What do you think?”
Remember that the first superhero a child knows is their father, and if you explain values properly, they will try to imitate them to be more like you.
It is no coincidence that children whose parents are criminals or in prison are more likely than other children to end up committing crimes or in prison themselves. It’s about values.
3. Praise your child’s character, not their actions
It might seem like the same thing, but it isn’t. When your child does something good, don’t say “what you did was good”, but rather “you’ve been a really good person today”. This helps our children internalise the behaviour as part of their identity. That way, next time they won’t think about doing the right thing but about behaving as who they are: good people.
Instead of telling your child “don’t cheat”, tell them “don’t be a cheater”. When they are older they will understand that our actions define who we are. When they are young, it is up to us adults to pass this feeling on to them.
In other words, you don’t simply act with integrity or loyalty: you are either a person of integrity and loyalty or you are not. And of course, it is our actions that define how and who we are.
4. Explanation ahead of focusing on punishment
Eric Barker explains how, during the Second World War, there were non-Jews who risked their lives to save Jews from the Holocaust, and later research found that these people had something in common: they had been raised by parents who focused less on punishment and more on explaining what was right and what wasn’t, and on explaining how bad behaviour affects other people.
According to Adam Grant, when we only punish children for bad behaviour, there is a risk that they won’t understand why they are being punished; that is, they won’t understand why their behaviour may be wrong. They may often think these are just their parents’ absurd rules.
We need to teach our children moral values and explain to them, for example, how their behaviour hurts others: “Think about the pain you’re causing this child when you hit him or humiliate him. Would you feel all right if someone did it to you? Would you like someone to do it to you?”
We need to get the child to develop both empathy and guilt for their bad actions, because these two feelings are the king and queen of the moral emotions.
Finally, the controversial question arises: should we teach our children to turn the other cheek and put up with bullies’ abuse, or should we teach them to defend themselves and stop the bully in their tracks? Tick, tock…
See also: 26 lessons to prepare your child for the real world
Featured image: nrkbeta, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
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