For some people, the title of this article may seem like a question with a very obvious answer. For others, perhaps not so much. In fact, the question of keeping or deleting photos of an ex is still highly controversial.
So let’s shed a little light on the matter. I’ll warn you now that I have a very clear opinion on this, so much of what you’re about to read is personal opinion. Of course, to stay true to form, we’ll draw on all kinds of studies and on common sense. Because if there’s one thing we have plenty of around here, it’s common sense.
Delete photos of your ex on Facebook or leave them?
If we take a look around certain forums, we’ll see that the biggest concern usually comes from people whose partner still keeps photos of their ex on social media. Before answering this question directly, we need to clear something up.
Why would someone keep photos of their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend on Facebook?
For the psychologist and couples specialist Antonio Timoteo, the reasons are very clear, and in fact he narrows them down to just two:
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That person still hopes to get back together with their ex or still has feelings for them.
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That person doesn’t know they still have those photos.
He also advises people who feel uncomfortable seeing photos of their partner with their ex not to hesitate to say so, to talk openly with their partner and even to ask why they’re keeping those photos.
Tony Robbins, in an old post on the subject, gave even more direct advice: if you don’t get rid of your past, you’ll carry its weight and it will end up affecting your present and your future.
And the relationship psychologist Walter Riso is even more radical: if you meet someone who can’t erase their past, run, because they’re going to hurt you.
Does your current partner have the right to be upset that you keep photos of your ex?
The truth is they have every right in the world, although they shouldn’t force you to do anything. Let’s put it this way: whether you erase a visible past doesn’t depend on your partner, but on you.
Your partner has the right to feel upset and even to show it. People may or may not understand that, but the fact is that few people like seeing their partner in affectionate photos, travel photos or loving messages with someone else.
Ultimately, though, it’s up to you whether you want to erase a past or keep it. Our dear readers already know that around here we firmly believe the backpack of the past should be very light so there’s room for what’s new.
Reasons not to delete photos of your ex on Facebook
The truth is there’s no sensible reason not to, especially if it makes your current partner uncomfortable. In fact, there are couples who are still together but aren’t friends on Facebook simply so they don’t have to see photos of their partner with their exes.
There was one post that caught my attention, and it was titled precisely that: 11 reasons to keep photos of your ex on Facebook.
And I’m very sorry, but after reading it I wondered whether the article was serious or had been written as an April Fool’s joke, because it’s the perfect way to screw up your life and drag out the agony.
The article starts from the premise that if you want to forget your ex, it isn’t healthy to delete the photos of them on Facebook
In fact, it starts from a contradiction that is well proven in neuroscience: to forget someone, and to let that person forget you, you have to cut off all physical and visual contact. Not doing so doesn’t mean you can’t forget them, but it will take twice the work. And the most important question: it may be easy for you, but are you making it easy for your ex?
See also: The art of closing chapters and letting go, in relationships and in life
One of the points says that if you don’t delete your ex from Facebook, you won’t be curious about what they’re up to
Today we know that the less we know about the person we want to forget, and the less that person knows about us, the better for both. Fewer problems and a faster recovery. There’s not much to debate here.
Another advantage of not deleting your ex is that you can stay friends and chat with them from time to time
And of course, you can even meet up with them as friends. It’s well established that exes want a friendship in between attempts to rekindle the spark that went out. And while you’re at it, your new partner will think this is a wonderful idea. Let me be clear that I’m being ironic. We all know an ex rarely makes a good friend.
The author of the article literally says: “If you delete the photos from Facebook, you’ll be erasing moments worth remembering”
But… are we trying to forget or to remember? It’s rather contradictory.
Deleting your ex’s photos could come across as resentment over something that hurt you badly
The truth is that, most of the time, deleting photos of your ex simply means that the person wants to put the past behind them and get on with their life without the other person. It’s keeping the photos that could suggest other things and, of course, create distrust in a new partner.
There’s no advantage in keeping the photos with your ex on Facebook
To sum up, that’s the only conclusion we can reach. When we explained how to get over a breakup, cutting off all physical and visual contact was vitally important if you’d been badly affected.
If seeing the photos with your ex doesn’t affect you at all, this step wouldn’t be necessary. But if it affects the person you’re with now, what will you do? That’s the question.
How would I personally handle this if it bothered me to see photos of my current partner with their ex on social media?
Those who know me know I’m a firm believer in lessons in empathy, so in my case I’d try to put that person in my shoes in a very subtle way. Well, actually it isn’t subtle, but it is useful.
I don’t keep photos of exes or old loving messages, but I do keep all my photos on a hard drive. If I wanted to show my annoyance, all I’d do is pull out about 5 moderately affectionate photos. The rest I’d do with irony.
Over coffee with your partner, as naturally as can be, you bring out those photos:
“Look, Pepe” (or “Look, Juana”)… “this is a photo of me with my ex on that trip we took to Algeciras. Look what a lovely hotel room. Look, here we are in the jacuzzi… oh, and look at this loving message they wrote me…”
99% of people aren’t comfortable seeing the person they love being affectionate with someone else. And the other 1%? Honestly, I don’t know who they are.
See also: How to overcome depression with 5 science-backed rituals
Featured image: Marwenwafi, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
