It might seem that people with successful careers, like great businessmen, have it easier when it comes to winning over a date they hope will be the love of their life. But according to Amy Andersen, the Silicon Valley cupid, that really isn’t the case, at least when we’re talking about true love and not mere financial interest.
We should bear in mind that successful people have one thing in common: they know exactly what they want and what they don’t want. That mindset is what made them excellent professionals and businesspeople, but on a date we can’t expect the other person to be as clear about things as we are. So a professional virtue can become a flaw when it comes to starting a relationship.
We have gathered some of the advice Amy Andersen gives her clients when they are going on a date or to an event where they will try to meet the supposed love of their life.
1. Prepare yourself mentally.
For Andersen, dating is a skill, and to succeed at dating and find the love of your life, you have to be open to it and well prepared. Many successful people are incredible negotiators but terrible at seducing a woman. They are lions in the business world, yet they turn into extremely shy “kittens” when faced with a date.
We follow patterns very common in business: it can take you a long time to win a market’s trust, but you can lose it all in a matter of minutes.
According to Andersen, first-date nerves can be eliminated with the right state of mind. You have to prepare as you would for a job interview, where you analyse your competitors, learn about the company and work out how you can contribute to it. With a woman it’s no different: you can’t expect to “win over” a woman if you don’t know how she thinks or what competitive advantages you have over other men (your competitors).
2. Slow down and be clear about the goal of the first date.
We’re sure you didn’t achieve success by hesitating, but by acting and making decisions quickly. We want success NOW, and the opportunity has to be seized now. Everything moves very fast in the business world, but when it comes to love, that doesn’t work.
What is the only goal of a first date? For Andersen, you should have just one goal on that first date: getting a second date. Forget about everything else. The goal isn’t to get married, or to start a relationship, and it shouldn’t be bed. All you need is for the other person, at the end of the first date, to be left wanting a second one.
(Read: The world’s most successful people have these 7 things in common)
3. Don’t talk about work.
I admit that for those of us who are passionate about what we do, this part is very hard. If you have a brilliant career, or you’re an entrepreneur with plenty of successes who loves what you do, it will be very difficult not to talk about work. But according to Andersen, you must avoid it.
Andersen says that many introverts only feel comfortable talking about work, so the other person concludes that you’re so boring you can only talk about your job, and therefore that you’re not an interesting person.
What’s more, people who spend much of a date talking about themselves and everything they’ve achieved can come across as show-offs. And if you’re a Facebook software engineer and you start talking about programming languages to someone without a tech background… good luck, because she won’t be wishing you any.
4. Appearance and impressions.
If you’re not Steve Jobs, don’t turn up to the date in sneakers; if you’re not Mark Zuckerberg, don’t wear a hoodie. We’re not talking about trying to look like someone you’re not, but we should respect a minimum standard of appearance, which, if we don’t have it yet, we ought to start developing.
We don’t mean you should wear a suit and tie if that’s not how you usually dress. Try to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable but doesn’t make the other person uncomfortable or cause problems getting into a place where a minimum dress code applies.
5. Body language.
Body language is extremely important in both business and dating, because it says even what we don’t say. (Read: 7 body language techniques that will help you in business.) As far as possible, avoid showing nerves, boredom, indifference and so on.
6. The hardest part: confidence.
The capacity for self-sabotage on a date can be enormous for someone who has achieved success in their professional life but deep down believes they are nothing interesting outside work, and that this is why they are alone.
Andersen says that many of these people with successful careers and less-than-attractive looks start from the premise that if the other person is an attractive woman, she will only be interested in their money. If you go on a date with that attitude, you’re lost.
For Andersen, the problem with these people is that they have never stopped to look at themselves beyond their professional worth. They haven’t thought about themselves that way, and so they’ve never worked out what makes them unique and interesting enough for a woman to fall in love with them.
Remember that our mind is our greatest ally or our worst enemy. If you believe the only thing worthwhile about you is your money… then that’s how it will be.
Further reading
Featured image: Sheila Sund, CC BY 2.0, via Flickr.
