Previously, FBI counterintelligence agent LaRae Quy gave us 5 tips for being mentally strong. But when we talk about mental strength, we are also, in a way, talking about emotional strength and emotional intelligence, and I believe anyone can develop these qualities with discipline and time, becoming a better version of themselves.
To do so, we’ll draw on some of the advice Amy Morin sets out in 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, as well as that of Travis Bradberry, author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0.
1. Choose productive behaviour
It’s easier to go out partying than to finish a piece of work. It’s easier to make excuses for not having done something than to do it. It’s easy to avoid difficult situations, even when facing them could benefit us. Mentally strong people, by contrast, learn not to waste time on unproductive activities. Learn to be disciplined in this respect.
2. Adapt to change
We know change can be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. Companies close because they fail to adapt to change, and some professions and professionals also fall by the wayside. Use your energy to adapt to change rather than resist it. As the saying goes: “It is not the strongest species that survive, but those that adapt to their environment.”
3. Face the fears that hold you back
Mentally strong people face their greatest fears in order to keep moving forward. That’s why Richard Branson used to say that he tried to do one thing every day that he was afraid of until, after doing it again and again, the fear disappeared. Afraid of speaking in public? Speak in public until the fear goes away. Terrified of visiting customers to sell to them? Visit customers until you discover they won’t eat you alive.
4. Learn from your mistakes
We will all fail at some point in our lives. Failing isn’t a bad thing, unless the mistake was for nothing. They say every failure brings you closer to success, that every failure makes you smarter. But that’s only true if you’re able to learn from those mistakes. Always own your failures and talk about them openly, without excuses. That way, the person you’re talking to knows you’ve learned your lesson.
5. Accept yourself as you are, but improve
Emotionally strong people accept themselves for who they are and how they are, but at the same time they recognise their need to improve and grow personally. In other words, it’s fine to say, “I love myself just as I am, all 200 kg of me” (that’s acceptance), “but I’m going to try to lose a bit of weight” (that’s wanting to improve).
6. Celebrate other people’s success
Some people, for whatever reason, aren’t happy when things go well for their colleagues or friends. Healthy people (and by healthy we mean emotionally intelligent) are genuinely pleased about other people’s success. They’re even willing to cooperate to help others reach their goals. People who don’t see other people’s success as competition tend to lead much happier lives, because they enjoy both their own successes and the successes of others.
7. Mentally strong people constantly develop their skills, but not to show them off
Many people seek constant validation from others, public recognition or praise. But emotionally strong people don’t improve their skills in order to surprise or impress anyone. They are intrinsically motivated to be better today than yesterday, and better tomorrow than today. It’s continuous improvement.
8. Be authentic
Try to make your words match your behaviour; in other words, don’t say one thing and do another. Don’t make promises you won’t keep, and be true to yourself and your values.
9. Start seeing difficulties as opportunities for growth
We often get stressed and overwhelmed simply because of the way we look at things. There’s a huge difference between seeing problems as problems and seeing them as challenges. If we only see problems, it wears us out. If, on the other hand, we see challenges, we feel motivated to overcome them. It’s adversity that will make you a better person. “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”
10. Base your self-esteem on who you are, not on what you achieve
Mentally strong people feel good about themselves whether they win or lose. They do, however, try to do better next time.
11. Learn to value long-term rewards
You need to be willing to put up with pain and sacrifice in the short term to earn a reward in the long term. For example, one student may choose short-term pleasure (going out partying instead of studying), while another chooses short-term sacrifice (staying in to study instead of going out). In the long run, the student who chose the sacrifice is more likely to be rewarded. The same goes for personal finances and for a professional career.
12. Dust yourself off and carry on
A failure, one of life’s hard knocks, is not the end. You’ll go through tough experiences, and nobody is immune to falling, but in the end there are two types of people: those who get up quickly and carry on, and those who don’t get up or take too long to do so. Remember that you can’t stop many problems from coming your way, but you do choose the attitude with which you face them. That’s emotional intelligence.
13. Neither pessimistic nor overly optimistic: a realistic optimist
Pessimists rarely do anything, but extreme optimists can walk straight off a cliff. Mentally strong people can see the bright side of things and the positive in every situation, but they don’t let their optimism blind them to reality. They are what we call realistic optimists (the profile of success).
See also: How to deal with psychopaths and toxic people (and yes, you’ll deal with them every day)
14. Practise active problem-solving
It may sound like a cliché, but the truth is that emotionally intelligent people don’t dwell so much on problems; they spend their energy finding solutions.
15. Don’t focus so much on your weaknesses; focus on your strengths
If you only try to fix all your weaknesses, you’ll end up frustrated. Emotionally intelligent people recognise their weaknesses, but they spend more time building on their strengths, because that’s where they’re really good and what they can use to win.
16. Find a balance between emotion and logic
We are more emotional than rational beings, so we need to identify all those cognitive biases we fall victim to in order to understand how our emotions can interfere with the way we think.
17. Don’t live in the past
The past is gone, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Whether it was painful or full of good times that are now over, focus on today, which is the only thing you can still control. And from now on, start creating a “made-to-order future”. You’re the one who builds it.
(See: 3 things you think about too much that stop you moving forward in life)
18. Don’t be closed-minded
While you should hold on to certain values, you need to be careful with your beliefs and ideologies, because they are often the main thing holding us back in life. Most people’s ideologies and beliefs are most likely unfounded, false or only partly true. Always keep an open mind and question your beliefs if you feel you can’t find meaning in your life.
See also: Resilience: the keys to success when things get really tough
Featured image: Abraham van Beijeren, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
