The reason we suffer, in every area of life, is our resistance to inevitable change. Life is all about change. To have lived is to have changed often.
Things change, often without warning. People and circumstances come and go. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. It moves fast and can tip from calm into chaos in a matter of seconds, and that happens to people every day.
Sometimes a seemingly harmless decision shakes our whole world like a meteorite striking the Earth. Entire lives have been turned completely around, for better or worse, in ways no one could predict.
However good or bad our situation is right now, it is going to change. And while we resist change, and sometimes suffer like everyone else, we have to learn to adapt. We have to learn to be flexible and look for the upside of life’s changes, even when they aren’t what we want.
Change is the only constant in life. Every fraction of a second is different. Our day goes by little by little, our body changes little by little with age, our relationships change little by little, other people no longer treat us the way they used to, and even we ourselves start to think differently, and that is hard to deal with.
You’ve been fired from your job; someone who always treated you well suddenly starts behaving differently; the business you’ve run all your life stops paying and you go bankrupt; your children won’t listen to you; or a family member dies. These are some of the changes we have to face, because that’s how life works.
But how do you find the upside in all this?
The key is to deal with change in a healthy way.
Many people face change without hope, as if their bad situation will never get better. So they start shouting at other people, drinking or taking other substances, spending the whole day watching mindless TV, and so on.
Other people, however, find healthy ways to cope with change, such as exercising, talking through their problems with a counsellor, focusing on the next step forward and no longer looking back, and so on.
But the most important thing is to understand that every healthy coping strategy requires us, first of all, to accept life’s changes.
If change is a basic fact of life, why resist it? Why not let go and live fully? Why don’t we see the upside of these changes?
It is with these inevitable changes, which at first seem to have nothing positive about them, that Marc Chernoff, who runs MarcandAngel.com, offers some guidelines for dealing with the new situation, or at least for facing in a positive way some of the twists that can turn our lives upside down from one moment to the next.
The upside of life’s painful changes
1. Someone you respect yells at you.
This person is hurting, frustrated or angry, and is taking it out on you because you happen to be nearby. This person wants to be rescued from what they can’t control, and of course it isn’t working. Can you empathise with that? Have you ever put yourself in their shoes? There is a connection between us as human beings.
Embracing this person emotionally will make you feel better. Feel their pain as they deal with the changes in their life, show them compassion, and then carry on without taking part in their personal struggle.
(Read: 6 ways to deal with toxic people)
2. Your 18- or 20-year-old child refuses to listen to you.
Surprisingly, your child is maturing and needs to assert their independence. They are thinking their own thoughts and showing that they are their own person, not just a servant who follows orders. Have you ever been in their place? You should appreciate this kind of growth and independence, this fighting spirit, this coming of age. Give your child some room to learn and grow.
(Read: The 12 worst mistakes people make in their 20s)
3. You’ve been fired from your job.
Losing your job is the beginning of a change. This fresh start is the beginning of a different story, a chance to refresh your life and reinvent who you are. Now you have the opportunity to find work that fulfils you more and makes you happier.
It may still sound like a cliché, but great companies have been born after someone was let go. Some people fall apart when they are fired. Others become more creative. Some people decide to push forward. Others decide not to move on. Remember that this isn’t about the circumstances life throws at you, but about how we choose to act when they come.
4. You suddenly realise you have too much on your plate.
When your plate is too full, life is hard. There’s no doubt about that, but it is still possible to appreciate the chaos of your daily tasks and obligations. No, you can’t do everything, or be everything to everyone, or be everywhere at once, but you can let some things go and stop trying to be in complete control every second.
There is beauty in the chaos of everyday life. It’s random, it’s wild… it’s real life. And it means you have people, projects, passions and ideas in your life that move you. Then you realise that you can only do one thing at a time, then do the next thing, and do it with a cheerful heart.
5. A close friend or family member dies.
This is certainly the most painful change of all, and death can be sad. We have all lost someone, and someone will lose us one day. That’s for sure! So we know from experience that when it happens you can’t imagine life without that person, and your heart breaks.
Death is an ending, but it is also a beginning, because even though we have lost someone special, this ending, like losing a job, is a moment of reinvention. Sad as it is, this person passed on to us their strength to reinvent our lives, and this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new and unseen ways. And finally, of course, death is an opportunity to celebrate a person’s life and to be grateful for everything they gave us while they were alive.
I know, it sounds like a self-help book, but as we always say, when faced with something inevitably tragic, you have to look for the upside (even if there isn’t one) in order to keep moving forward. Even in the case of a death, the person who has gone would not want us to throw our lives away because they are no longer here.
There is nothing more beautiful and powerful than a smile that has fought its way through tears. So don’t regret your time, not even the painful changes life gave you. Smile, because you have learned from these ups and downs and, in the end, found the strength to get back up and adapt, rising above those hard moments.
Ultimately, it isn’t what you have been that defines who you are; it’s how you came to be the person you are today, and the person you will be able to be tomorrow.
Read: How to radically change your life
Featured image: Wilderness vis, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
