Editor’s note: This article was first published in January 2015. The author’s statement that he is 35 years old refers to that time.
People tend to think it is much easier to make new friends when you are a teenager, and that adults find it harder. But that is not entirely true; it is a question of mindset. Why is it important (and worthwhile) to widen our circle of friends and contacts?
Bear in mind that, as a general rule, the best job and business opportunities come from our own circles. Those good jobs that never get advertised on job sites usually come through referrals from “a friend who knows someone who knows someone”. And let’s not forget the exchange of new ideas and other points of view.
It has often been shown that the most successful people tend to have a wide circle of friends and contacts, and that the quality of our circle of friends influences our own success. That is why it matters not to get stuck in the same place with the same old people. But sometimes we adults are reluctant to widen our circle.
Read: Social skills: no matter how hard you work, the people you know matter more
Three factors that build new friendships
Science says these are the three main factors for forging new bonds of friendship, and perhaps nowadays we adults have put obstacles in their way:
- Proximity.
- Unplanned interactions.
- Privacy.
1. Proximity
This is getting harder because we are increasingly isolated from one another. Sometimes it is a matter of geographical distance, and other times it is human isolation, partly due to new technologies: we focus on a few people and keep everyone else connected in a virtual network. Little by little, that bond wears away.
See also: The 8 beliefs of successful people in business
2. Unplanned interactions
Although I am 35, I still remember when strangers used to talk to each other on a bus, in a café or in the street. That is hard to achieve when people today never take their eyes off their portable electronic devices. On top of that, almost everyone is very busy these days.
3. Privacy
Even in companies, where colleagues used to become great friends for life, it is less and less common for co-workers to meet up outside the office at the weekend to talk. And the company office is not usually a good place to talk about intimate and personal matters, which is what ends up building a feeling of friendship.
Once we know the main obstacles to making friends, some of the tips may seem very obvious; others less so.
Fix these three points to widen your circle of friends
Perhaps the most obvious advice is to tackle the problem head-on. Sometimes it is as easy as being in more human contact with people and arranging to meet them. Don’t turn down the chance to have a drink with someone just because you hadn’t planned it, and by all means make an effort to get to know better, on a personal level, the colleagues you like most and who could add value for you.
Keep going to the same places over a long period
Above all if you are new in a city or want to make new friends, the key is the “exposure effect”. If you go to the same bar for coffee, over time sheer inertia will mean people get to know you. In fact, sociologists say that seeing someone repeatedly, even if you have never spoken to them, turns them into a familiar person and creates a glimmer of unconscious trust.
See also: 3 things you overthink that keep you from moving forward in life
New activities
Along the same lines, we usually recommend taking up new activities, including some that scare us a little, for our own personal growth. Whether it is mountaineering, diving, hiking or yoga, in new activities you will meet new people who will feel they have something in common with you simply because you are in the same place.
Call people you haven’t seen in a long time
There are probably people you haven’t seen for 20 years; some went to secondary school with you, and you lost track of others after university. Personally, I like to find out what became of the people who passed through my life at one time or another. Some will be glad to hear from you, others will be somewhat more “emotionally passive”… Don’t miss the chance to show an interest in them.
And finally, remember that once you make contacts, it is important to know how to win people over.
Once you meet new people, they in turn will introduce you to others, and as long as you stay mentally open to new contacts, it really is easy to build ties with other people. Whether, over time, we end up liking those people is another matter.
Further reading
Featured image: Dick Rowan, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
