There’s plenty of advice out there on how to win arguments, whether they’re about football, politics or religion. First of all, arguing about these subjects is for idiots, so one thing is certain: that argument is going to be won by an idiot (and lost by another idiot).
The very word “argument” carries certain negative connotations, and according to neuroscience, as well as to common sense, the best way to win an argument is to stop trying to win it.
It’s not that being passive is the most effective strategy, but if you’re thinking about “winning”, you’re already heading down the wrong path.
We’ve talked about how to be more persuasive, but neuroscience says that when an argument begins, persuasion stops. The psychologist Drew Westen reached that conclusion, as did Robert Cialdini, author of Influence, and Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Westen observed that once an argument began, the parts of the brain responsible for hostile attacks (the fight-or-flight response) were activated. The thing is, an argument isn’t an exchange of opinions governed by logic and reasoning. It’s just a fight, a struggle between two or more people.
As the argument goes on, it becomes nothing more than a fight in which it doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. There are only two sides: friends and enemies. That’s why, if you’re trying to win someone over through an argument, you’re bound to fail, because if you win the argument, you’ll also have won an enemy.
There’s a well-known saying about romantic relationships: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to stay in a relationship? You can’t have both.” The same applies in every area, both personal and professional.
Once an argument, or “battle over who’s right”, begins, our brain starts to forget what’s correct. You just want to win and conquer that territory of being right. There comes a point where nobody wants to admit they’re wrong. The argument turns into a battle in open country where the only thing that matters is winning. Nobody wants to die in this battle.
That’s why, on many occasions, people start defending completely unfounded, mistaken or outright false arguments, and unjustified attacks start flying.
I once found myself in an argument where the other person claimed that Adolf Hitler hadn’t been as evil as he’d been painted, and that it was the Americans who had sold us that image of Hitler. In that case it wasn’t in my interest to make an enemy of that person, so instead of telling him “you’re an idiot”, I relaxed and said: “You know, what you’re saying makes sense. I’d never looked at it from that point of view. I’ll look into it.”
Much of the most popular advice on how to win an argument focuses on countering the other person’s points with real data, not raising your voice, staying calm and taking turns to speak. That’s fine for an exchange of opinions between two rational people, but it’s useless in an argument where reason doesn’t rule. Besides, if we do manage to refute the other person’s arguments with data, or even proof, we’ll win the argument and a new enemy.
If, knowing this, we’re still determined to win an argument, let’s turn to some of Cialdini’s advice.
Ask yourself what your real goal is in wanting to win that argument.
“I want to influence a group so I can do things my way”
This is a very common kind of argument in companies, where you can choose between doing things your way or accepting new ideas that we’ll later shape until they resemble what we wanted in the first place. Remember that true leadership means getting people to do what you want them to do, and making them eager to do it.
In this case, forget about arguing and start contributing, and let the group itself end up agreeing with you. Sometimes it’s easier to persuade a group than a single person, especially if you have the support of one or more people in that group. And, of course, if your arguments are solid and carry weight.
“I don’t know why I’m arguing or how I got here”
Have you ever, after a few minutes of arguing, asked, “Can somebody tell me what on earth we’re arguing about?” Probably everyone has been there.
This kind of argument is the most typical between couples, and so it isn’t one you need to win either. In a previous article on couples’ habits, we saw that, in the words of the psychologist John Gottman, couples who try to solve every conflict tend to fail, while those who live with unresolved conflicts usually last much longer.
Trying to resolve conflicts can end up creating more conflicts than it solves. And some battles aren’t worth fighting, because there’s no winner. On the contrary, there may be two losers.
“I want to prove that person wrong”
This is the kind of argument that can really get you into trouble, because you’re trying to get someone with certain beliefs, who is defending untenable arguments, to say they were wrong. You should know in advance that this isn’t going to happen.
The more absurd the argument the other person is defending, the harder it will be for them to admit they were wrong.
But remember that on certain subjects, you won’t be able to tell whether the absurd argument is yours or the other person’s.
In short: you can only win an argument through persuasion, but if you argue, the power of persuasion disappears. So what do we do? Don’t argue. That’s how arguments are won.
See also: 5 rituals to reverse depression and boost happiness, according to neuroscience
Featured image: Jan Steen, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
