This article has two parts. First, we’re going to solve the tricky confidence riddle: how can I become a more confident person and trust myself more when I lack self-confidence? Tough, right? And second, we’ll use a few psychological tricks to help you gain self-assurance quickly, as if by magic.
Let’s start by saying that self-confidence is not a trait you are born with. It is a trait, a skill, that is cultivated over time.
Most of us know that to move forward in life, to make progress, to succeed, we need to be sure of ourselves. But… how can we feel sure about anything when we lack confidence in ourselves?
How can we feel confident in a new job when we’ve never done that job before? How can we trust our abilities when we start our own business if we’ve never been entrepreneurs?
The questions could go on if we carry them over to social or romantic relationships. How can we feel confident in a relationship if none of our relationships has ever worked out?
And finally, a large share of people ask themselves: how can I be confident and sure of myself when I haven’t done anything worth mentioning in my whole life?
See also: This mental trick changed my life radically, and it only takes one word
On the surface, self-confidence is a habit or trait found in most successful people and billionaires.
This is the motto successful people follow:
“Work hard, take risks and trust that things will work out.”
Meanwhile, poorer or less successful people lack that confidence and don’t take the risks needed to get out of poverty, in many cases out of the very fear of ending up even poorer.
If you’ve always lost in life, why would you be a winner this time? And if we never expect to win, we’ll always act like losers.
In other words, to be happy or successful we first need to be confident, but to be confident we first need to be happy and successful. We’re back to the fish biting its own tail, and we have to break out of this vicious circle of lack of confidence.
Solving the confidence riddle: how do you become more confident when you have no confidence?
This self-confidence riddle is solved perfectly, with a brilliant line of reasoning, by Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.
Just because someone has something (lots of friends, a million euros, a supermodel’s body) doesn’t necessarily mean that person is confident.
There are great businesspeople who lack confidence in their own wealth, and models who lack confidence in their own looks. Yes, many people with fit bodies have hang-ups, especially when they open Instagram and see other fit bodies even more impressive than theirs.
Perhaps that’s why psychologists recommend avoiding comparisons with others, all the more since the arrival of the internet, where there will always be someone who has more than you (of whatever it is).
For Manson, self-confidence isn’t necessarily tied to any external marker. Rather, confidence is rooted in how we perceive ourselves, regardless of any tangible external reality. Because confidence isn’t something you can touch.
That’s why, once we work out that confidence isn’t necessarily linked to any tangible external measure, we can conclude that improving the external, tangible aspects of our life won’t necessarily build confidence.
If you’re over 25, you’ve probably experienced this already in one way or another (exams, relationships, dealing with people…).
Getting a promotion at work doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel more confident in your professional abilities. The opposite could even happen: with that promotion you might feel more insecure.
In the same way, marrying your partner doesn’t mean you’ll feel more confident about the future of your relationship, especially knowing how many divorces there are these days.
What is real self-confidence?
Self-confidence is a feeling. It’s a state of mind. It isn’t really the perception that you lack nothing. Nor is it the feeling of picturing yourself equipped with everything you need, both now and in the future.
In other words, a person who is confident in their social life might feel as if they lack nothing in their social life.
Of course, there’s a very fine line between confidence and arrogance: for example, thinking you’re a sex symbol even though you’re a scruffy layabout, or believing you’re a successful entrepreneur even though your only profitable business was a fruit stall that earned you 500 euros a month.
No. According to Manson, the solution to the confidence riddle is not to feel that you lack nothing, nor to fool yourself into believing you already have everything you could dream of.
The solution to self-confidence is simply to feel comfortable with what you might be missing
It has nothing to do with being comfortable with what we achieve, and everything to do with being comfortable with everything we don’t achieve.
People who are confident in business have that confidence because they are comfortable with failure.
People who are confident in their social lives are sure of themselves because they are comfortable with rejection.
People who are confident in their romantic relationships are comfortable because they accept that the relationship may work out or may end in failure.
Manson is clear that the road to the positive first runs through the negative.
Those who are comfortable with negative experiences are the ones who reap the greatest rewards in life.
Now that the confidence riddle is solved, let’s see how we can use psychology to feel more sure of ourselves and generate more confidence even when we lack it.
Psychological tricks to feel more confident and sure of yourself
We need to understand that gaining real, long-term confidence in ourselves requires different mechanisms. It often takes inner work, gradually building a belief system that takes into account everything we said in the first part of this article.
It’s a different matter when we need confidence instantly. That’s what these psychological tricks focus on.
1. Act as if you already were
This may be one of the most often heard and, at the same time, most underrated pieces of advice. Acting as if you were already the person you want to be has proven to be one of the most effective strategies for all kinds of situations.
Even more so if you have the chance to “pretend” in front of a person or group of people who don’t know you yet. At that moment you can decide to act like the person you want to be.
Simply picture yourself as the person you’d like to be. Now act. Pull your shoulders back, take a deep breath and start behaving like that person you’ve pictured, the person you’d like to be. Does this trick really work? Of course it does.
It’s probably the trick most used by beginner speakers. They walk on stage to give a talk looking like a confident person, even if inside they’re a bundle of nerves. Over time they end up gaining that self-assurance.
2. Dress to gain confidence
Various psychological studies have shown that choosing the right clothes for the occasion can change our behaviour on every level.
An old psychological study showed that business people who were expert negotiators lost their negotiating magic when they negotiated in casual clothes in a café. But when they put on their suits and picked up their briefcases, the mere smell of leather and the sight of themselves in a suit made them behave like sharks automatically.
It’s a matter of choosing the kind of clothes you feel comfortable in, the clothes the person you’ve pictured would wear: the person you’d like to resemble, the person you’re going to imitate.
3. Use reverse mental assumptions to feel more sure of yourself
Our brain talks to us. A person who is insecure about their own abilities is flooded with negative self-talk. Their own brain sabotages them. We can correct this inner communication.
You may have seen someone stand in front of the mirror and say things like “I’m the best negotiator in the world”, “I’m going to close this deal”, “I’m going to get this job”. You may think this person has lost their mind, or you may see it as nonsense.
However you see it, the truth is that it’s the best way to cut off the inner conversation your brain is having with you and replace it with more positive messages. But you have to believe it. You won’t trigger the magic automatically, but combined with the other points, it all adds up. Can we fool our brain? Without a doubt. In fact, you do it every day, but without realising it you fool your brain into things that don’t do you any good. Now use the same technique to plant a message of self-assurance in your head.
See also: How to lose your fear of public speaking, with tips and techniques from the best
4. Change the words “I think”
Self-confidence also grows when we notice that other people see us as more self-assured and confident.
If someone makes a reasoned criticism of you or your product and you reply, “I think what you’re saying isn’t correct”, you’re talking about believing, and your belief may be right or unfounded. Either way, it isn’t a sentence that conveys self-confidence.
On the other hand, starting a sentence with “In my opinion…”, unless we back it up with something that shows confidence, would also suggest that your opinion may not be worth much or may be wrong.
The advice is to skip the preambles and simplify the message. For example, which sentence conveys more confidence?
- I think what you’re saying isn’t correct. Our product solves that problem.
- That isn’t correct. Our product solves that problem.
In case you have any doubt, number 2 is more forceful. Now notice how our perception of confidence changes with this other example:
- In my opinion, your argument isn’t correct.
- In my opinion, and I’ve been working in this industry for 10 years, your argument isn’t correct.
Once again, number 2 shows a confidence that might even sound arrogant. But let me tell you a secret: if you have to choose between seeming arrogant and seeming insecure, choose arrogance, because an arrogant person can be criticised, but an insecure person can be torn to shreds.
5. This isn’t a psychological trick, but it’s the only way to gain confidence in the long run
Everything we’ve said in the previous points is a way of hacking our brain to be falsely more sure of ourselves. But if what you want (and I hope you do) is to gain more confidence in yourself, there are only three known effective ways: not to fake it, not to look it, but to be it.
Preparation, preparation and preparation
Knowing that you are more than prepared to do something gives you confidence and self-assurance without having to look for it. Remember when you were about to start learning to drive. Everything was insecurity. After years of driving, you no longer ask yourself whether you’re a confident driver. You simply drive. And you feel confident without questioning it.
The same goes for any area of life. Practice helps. Being prepared gives you the confidence you need automatically.
Understand that you are not what you own
If you stake your confidence on having a lot of money, the day you suffer a financial setback you won’t just lose money, you’ll also lose the confidence you had.
That’s why you need to learn to be confident and secure in yourself as a person, not in your possessions. As the old saying goes:
They can take everything from you tomorrow, but they can’t take away the person you’ve become.
And finally, fake it all the way through until you make it.
If you feel insecure about doing something, keep it to yourself and bury that insecurity. In front of others, act, as we said before, like the person you want to be. And believe me, it won’t be long before you notice at some point that you’re not pretending anymore: you simply are that person.
Featured image: Maria Midoes, CC BY 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
