Editor’s note: This article was first published in January 2015. The studies it cites come from 2006-2015 news coverage, and divorce statistics and research findings may have been updated since.
We’re not about to launch a “Doctor Love” section, but at the request of some readers we have an article in the works on how to get over a breakup or heartbreak quickly. To whet your appetite, let’s first look at what science says about relationships and marriage, which is an important subject considering the emotional toll a breakup or heartbreak can take on us.
Although people today should be prepared for less stable relationships (the statistics are very unfavourable on that front), science still says that getting married is one of the best things you can do for yourself. That was confirmed by a study reported by The New York Times, which suggested that married people were happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who preferred to stay single, from their 40s onwards.
But some scientific facts from various studies give us clues about when we are increasing our chances of getting it wrong. They make a lot of sense, although, obviously, there will always be exceptions.
I’ll warn you now: this is not a particularly romantic article.
1. Marriages last longer after age 23.
People who rush into marriage before the age of 23 have a divorce rate above 60%, while those who wait until after 23 had a divorce rate of around 30%.
The explanation is simply a lack of maturity when choosing a partner. At 18 you may be attracted to the kind of people you wouldn’t be caught dead with at 25. That said, divorce rates today are already alarming, regardless of age.
Source: study by the University of Pennsylvania
2. The infatuation phase only lasts about a year.
All that passionate lovemaking in the kitchen, in the hallway, in the shower, those high levels of passion, attraction and ecstasy, along with idealising our partner, lasts about a year. After that everything calms down, and there had better be other reasons besides physical attraction, because in the day-to-day of living together, that attraction fades.
In fact, I read somewhere a while ago that we have a molecule that secretes the substance of love, and that this molecule stops secreting it after a couple of years. I think it was called adaptation, and it involved the two people adapting to each other’s scents and chemistry (at least as far as sexual chemistry is concerned).
3. Over time, you see the person as they really are.
Those little quirks that once attracted you to your partner and seemed charming later turn into mere quirks and habits that are often hard to put up with (if there isn’t something worse).
And it doesn’t matter if you’re married to a pop star: as you live together and get to know that person, you will take them down from their pedestal. Not all of us can be that mysterious person forever, because over time people often discover new things that make you different from who the other person thought you were. Differences in ideas, ideals and interests will also start to appear once that molecule stops secreting the “blindfold” that infatuation puts over our eyes, the one that makes us see only the good in people.
4. We can be compatible and incompatible on many levels.
The Canadian psychologist Eric Berne introduced a three-level model for understanding a person’s identity. According to Berne, all of us have three levels of “self”:
- The Parent self: what you have been taught.
- The Child self: what you have lived through and felt.
- The Adult self: what you have learned.
We will find these same three levels in our partner. The question is: are they compatible within the couple?
- The Parent self: do you share similar values and beliefs about the world?
- The Child self: do you have fun together? Are you spontaneous?
- The Adult self: do you think of each other as brilliant? Are you good at solving problems together?
However, Berne pointed out that sometimes we don’t need to be similar on each level, but rather complementary in what we bring. Let me explain: one partner can provide what the other lacks at the right level. In other words, if one is very mature and the other more childlike, they can be perfectly compatible, because together they can create the spark that might turn into boredom between two people who are too mature and serious.
5. The happiest marriages are happy because the partners are great friends.
One study found that the longest-lasting and happiest marriages tend to be those in which the couple are aware of how important friendship is in a relationship. In other words, your partner should be a good friend, something you need once the passion of the early years fades. If, besides a parent, a lover and a spouse, you also find a good friend in your partner, you will be happier as a couple.
6. Marriages between people of similar ages last longer.
Another piece of research was emphatic on this point. It said that an age difference of just two years increased the chance of divorce by 3%. With a five-year age gap, the odds of splitting up rose by 18%. An age difference of more than ten years meant a 39% increase.
This one clearly has a more than logical explanation, both in terms of tastes and of ageing at different rates.
I suppose keeping these points in mind doesn’t guarantee you’ll find the love of your life, but the power of statistics would tip the scales in your favour.
Further reading
- 5 money conversations to have with your partner before you get married
- Married couples today: joint or separate bank accounts?
Featured image: Cliff, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
