They say love conquers all, which isn’t true, just like the idea that money can’t buy happiness. As the famous saying goes, “when poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window.” It may not sound very romantic, but these days, with so many couples separating and divorcing after a short time together, having those money conversations with your partner has become a must.
Money may not matter at first, when we are getting to know someone, but over time, not knowing a person’s “financial ideology” can lead to frustration and disappointment on both sides. Knowing whether your partner is a saver or a spender tells us a little more about them, so we can decide freely whether we want to stay with that person.
That said, this is not about talking money on the first few dates. Clearly, if you come across someone who is more interested at the start in what you earn than in who you are, the best thing you can do is tell them to get lost right away.
Business Insider recently published the story of a woman who ended her relationship because her partner refused to be transparent about money. In short, the story goes like this:
“Girl, a lawyer, meets boy, a divorced business consultant. They like each other, and their brains start releasing endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin (they fall in love).
Boy and girl start going out to dinner and taking trips together, which, as adults, they split down the middle. Girl starts considering something much more serious with boy. But a few years in, she begins to see some warning signs in his finances, although until then he had shown no suspicious behaviour in how he handled money. It seems his divorce is draining him financially.
As the girl is even considering marrying him, she wants to know his income and expenses, that is, his financial situation, because he has had trouble paying her back for a trip they were supposed to split but which she ended up paying for.
Every time she asked about anything to do with his money, he was evasive. He complained about how eating out was draining his wallet, but then bought himself an expensive guitar, not to mention that he owned a Porsche.
He still hadn’t paid her back, yet he was spending large amounts on clothes and on renovating his home.
The girl clearly had no money problems and didn’t need his money, as her career was going from strength to strength. But after several failed attempts to understand her partner’s financial situation, she began to see his evasiveness as a lack of transparency and honesty, and in the end she said goodbye to him.”
See also: Marriage today: joint or separate accounts?
Why it matters to know your partner’s spending habits
We can spot these little details in certain behaviours as soon as we meet our partner, and even just by listening to them talk, but unfortunately it is something we overlook in the early stages of a relationship. Make no mistake, though: if there is a problem with spending habits, it will surface over time, and you will give it far more weight than if you had known about it from the start.
It is very common for men, when trying to win a woman over, to present themselves as better off financially than they really are, because the idea is to impress her. To do so they will even spend more money than they can afford. And that brings us to the first mistake, in relationships and in personal finance alike.
Some people have been surprised when I’ve said I can’t afford a €130 cologne or a €250 dinner at a luxury restaurant. Can I pay for a €130 cologne and a €250 dinner?
The truth is that I could pay for a trip around the world sleeping in a luxury hotel in every country and dining at excellent restaurants, but the reality is that I can’t afford it. Remember one of the basic laws of financial education: “Being able to pay for something doesn’t mean you can afford it”, because nobody ever built a fortune by squandering money.
I’m not going to try to win a woman over with lavish spending, because if I need to do that, she probably isn’t the right match for me. So she had better like my smile.
With that in mind, try to find out as soon as possible whether your partner’s financial habits or ideology match yours. Otherwise, you could later end a relationship that was probably flawed from the start.
Don’t be afraid to talk about money when the time comes. It is very healthy to talk about your partner’s financial goals and their attitude towards money. My personal experience tells me that the people who call themselves “non-materialistic” and say money isn’t important are precisely the ones who need money most and have the worst financial habits.
There are many things a couple needs to put on the table to build a healthy, harmonious and lasting relationship. But sometimes we are afraid to raise subjects that could slow the relationship down, and money is one of them.
Now look at it this way. Imagine your partner has somewhat… different sexual tastes, Christian Grey style. Wouldn’t it be much better to tell them as soon as possible that you are no “Anastasia”, before the first lashes land? Money works in a very similar way.
See also: 7 tips to keep in mind before lending money to friends or family
Featured image: Dan4th Nicholas, CC BY 2.0, via Flickr.
