Bad things happen when we trust the wrong people and give them too much attention. You may end up feeling bad about yourself and constantly asking how things got this way. Despite their positive attitude and outlook on life, many people unexpectedly find themselves surrounded by negativity.
The thing is, some of your strongest positive traits may actually attract toxic people. These people may unconsciously feel threatened by your strengths, or they may simply see you as an easy target. Either way, they will try to control you by limiting your peace of mind, your happiness or your success.
Why do you attract toxic people?
It’s important to understand that everyone has what is commonly called a “dark side”. When we use them too freely, our strengths can turn into weaknesses, and they also make us more vulnerable to toxic people.
You need to learn where your limits are and how to say no without losing yourself in the process. Be careful with people who try to use your strengths of character for their own benefit. Becoming aware of this will help you steer clear of many toxic relationships, both in your personal life and at work.
The key is not to suppress your positive strengths of character, but to train yourself so that toxic people can’t use them against you. If you feel that these people are drawn to you, here are 7 reasons why you may have become a magnet for toxic people, and why you attract people with problems.
(See: 9 types of toxic people we should avoid like the plague)
We shouldn’t forget that in many cases we are victims of our own bad choices: simply because of certain disorders we are not aware of, we are deliberately choosing to surround ourselves with toxic people. Other times, it’s down to the reasons we explain below.
1. You are very easygoing
Most of us like being around easygoing people.
If you are a calm person, good at keeping your cool in difficult situations and at soothing people with a comforting word or a witty joke, you are probably also non-aggressive, patient and kind.
The inner peace you give off is attractive to toxic people who are eager to break it. They may misread your apparent pacifism and conclude that you are an easy target they can control. And in your weaker moments, you may find yourself saying yes to them more often than you realise.
Solution
Become aware of how a toxic person may try to take advantage of your easygoing ways. For example, your polite words and gestures may be seen as an open invitation. Phrases such as “Sure, any time” or “That’s no problem at all” may be taken literally by a toxic person, who may respond by monopolising your time for their own ends.
2. You are a great listener
These days, with so many technological distractions, it’s hard to get someone’s attention all the time, and great listeners are often hard to find. When you do find one, it’s hard not to seize the chance to be heard.
Toxic people, however, take things to the next level. They will talk to you for hours when they can get away with it. They will ignore every body-language and verbal signal you give them. They only share negative details about their lives every time they see you. And they are certainly not interested in what you have to say, because they are only interested in seeing and hearing things their own way.
If you are good at active listening or empathy, you may unintentionally become an easy target for a chatterbox or a narcissist.
Solution
When a conversation starts, decide how much time you can or want to spend with the other person. Limit your conversations with toxic people to no more than a few minutes.
Think ahead about how you will end the conversation. Here are a few examples: “It was great catching up with you, but…”, “Talk soon, but right now…” or “I need to get back to work.”
The key to making this strategy work is not to send mixed messages. Let your body language back up your words. Of course, this will sometimes make you feel uncomfortable, but it is necessary for your own well-being.
3. You are incredibly generous with your time
Most people would agree that generosity is a desirable character trait. But be careful: toxic people can squeeze overly generous people dry.
They cling to you if you are willing to drop everything for them, answer all their calls, reply quickly to their emails and meet their requests and demands every minute of the day.
As they consolidate their power, they demand more and more of your valuable time, and you may find yourself increasingly resentful.
Solution
Generosity without limits is a recipe for toxic relationships. You need to set healthy, reasonable boundaries, starting by becoming aware of your own feelings and needs. Notice the times and circumstances in which you resent having to meet someone else’s needs. Gradually build boundaries by saying no to unwarranted requests that may leave you resentful.
Once again, this will be hard at first, because you will feel selfish. But if you have ever flown, you know that flight attendants tell passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before helping others. Why? Because you can’t help anyone else if you are incapacitated.
In the long run, setting and enforcing boundaries will be one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself and your loved ones. Save the best of yourself so that you can share it with many wonderful people, not just with the toxic people who try to keep you tied down.
4. You are open, honest and confident about your dreams
Sadly, many people choose to settle in life. So if you are fighting for big dreams and goals, you are bound to attract the attention of a toxic person or two.
If you freely share your dreams and goals with them, they may see you as aggressive, greedy or selfish. Driven by the fear that you might actually succeed, they will be ready to discourage you. They will try to plant seeds of fear and doubt. And as you start to make progress, they will double down.
Solution
Never share your deepest dreams and goals with people who have shown themselves to be toxic or closed-minded, even if they ask about them often. Be especially careful with people who have plenty of opinions but never challenge their own views, educate themselves, offer positive alternatives or take action.
To counter their negativity, surround yourself with people who are pursuing similar dreams and goals and have a track record of success. Spend time with those who help you rise higher.
5. Your cheerful personality welcomes everyone
As the saying goes, opposites attract. Sometimes the positive light some people give off attracts grey people who long for that positive light for themselves.
As someone with a cheerful personality, you often strike up conversations or light up a room with your infectious smile. These qualities make you a pleasure to be around, but they can also attract toxic people who ultimately want to monopolise everyone’s attention and turn the conversation into “ME, ME and ME”. They are usually unhappy with themselves and therefore need others to validate them. These people deserve respect, but you need to respect yourself even more.
Solution
Understand that many unhappy people are unable to find joy within themselves, and they mistakenly believe that you can make them happy. They are relatively easy to spot because they will go above and beyond to please you with flattery, gifts or idealisation. They will be overly nice and willing to meet your requests or wishes, as long as they get a “yes” to everything.
These are warning signs that you may be in danger of falling under obligation to a toxic person who will eventually expect you to feed their ego. But the truth is that you can’t make them happy, even if you indulge their every whim. And you are almost certain to end up unhappy in the process.
6. You are a great bridge builder
You are a bridge builder: you can’t bear to see misunderstandings and disputes left unresolved. If you are one of the parties involved, you will move heaven and earth to find a compromise or solve the problem.
Although most people will probably respond kindly to such overtures, certain toxic people in your life may be more interested in destroying bridges than in building them.
Solution
Some toxic people find their joy in creating drama and discord. You need to understand that some bridges are simply not worth building or maintaining. They are bridges that lead nowhere.
How do you resist the temptation to build or maintain bridges when you know they are pointless? Think about how many times you have had to work on building or repairing bridges because of a toxic person’s behaviour.
If they constantly need you to settle their disputes, think about how they are getting pleasure at your expense. It may be a sign that you need to cut off the funding for this desperate venture so you can put your time and energy into other, more positive efforts. Head for the bridges that light up your path.
7. Your view of human nature is extremely positive
For most of us, our daily interactions with people confirm our basic assumption that the average human being is kind and decent. But every now and then, without suspecting anything, we run into the darker sides of human nature in the people around us, and they can challenge those assumptions.
Do you struggle to accept the darker sides of human nature, such as possessiveness, narcissism, greed and deceit? Do you hold on to friendships with these people because you believe they will change?
If so, you may have a high tolerance for toxic people. You may find yourself putting up with their negative and even abusive behaviour. And you may not actually realise you are in a relationship with a toxic person until the situation becomes serious.
Solution
Human beings are quite good at sensing danger through intuition, and not only physical danger but emotional danger too. If you are in an emotionally negative or abusive situation, don’t second-guess the discomfort you feel inside. This can be hard, because your optimism about others may drown out uncomfortable feelings with anxiety, anger or emotional withdrawal.
When warning signs appear in the form of emotional discomfort, instead of ignoring them, ask yourself the following questions:
- What is causing this feeling in me when I’m with this person?
- What is this discomfort, and what is it trying to protect me from?
- What positive actions can I take to ease this discomfort?
Just as physical pain protects you from bodily harm, emotional discomfort can protect you from the damaging effects of a toxic environment.
See also: 6 smart ways to deal with toxic people
Featured image: Schvaxet, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
