If you want to win someone’s trust, get yourself an FBI agent. It’s no secret that the FBI has behavioral experts who prepare agents for undercover work. And to get into a new circle, the first step is getting people to like you.
Robin Dreeke is a veteran with more than 27 years of experience preparing agents who will get only one chance to make a person like them. He has put that experience into his book It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone.
It might be at a party or in a shop. The undercover agent has to catch the “target’s” attention within seconds, be liked within a few minutes, and after a quarter of an hour or half an hour, that person has to trust you. What’s more, they have to think they like you.
The process is no different from many other areas of life, your career or winning customers for your business. It even works for gaining the trust of someone at a party or event, so that they want to get to know you better and hire you at their company.
In other words, it’s about using certain techniques to build a relationship, create trust and be liked as a person. It’s that simple.
Tips and techniques to get people you’ve just met to like you
(Also recommended: 7 techniques to tell when someone is lying to you, from Lillian Glass, an FBI behavioral analyst)
1. When you’re the one approaching someone, give the impression that you’re in a hurry
If you’re the one approaching a person, you have to do the opposite of what you would do in a job interview. Look at your watch a few times and make sure that person believes you’re in a hurry.
Imagine you’re sitting in a bar and someone sits down next to you and orders a beer. You don’t know this person at all, so your brain immediately thinks they could be a real bore who’s going to ruin your afternoon or evening if you don’t like the conversation.
The questions come up: “Who is this, what do they want and how long are they going to talk my ear off?”
Now, if you get the feeling that this person has to leave in 5 minutes, you won’t feel the same aversion, because you know perfectly well that if you don’t like the conversation, you’ll only have to put up with them for a little while and you won’t be stuck having to leave yourself or get rid of them.
Remember that the most important thing is the first contact. If you fail here, the rest of the process gets harder.
2. Seek out the person’s thoughts and opinions without judging them
Ask them questions, listen to them, but don’t judge them. Nobody likes to feel judged.
That doesn’t mean you agree with them. You simply have to give the impression that you understand their aspirations, their needs, their beliefs, their dreams and so on.
What to do when that person says something silly or crazy, according to Robin
Robin explains that as soon as he hears something he disagrees with, or anything crazy, his first reaction is to say something like: that’s fascinating, I’ve never heard anyone put forward that point of view; tell me more about how you came up with it.
Instead of judging, we’re showing interest, and we give people the chance to talk about their favorite subject: themselves.
Robin’s experience, drawing on other studies, says that people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than from any other subject they’re passionate about.
3. Set aside your “public intelligence” and your ego
Most people are dying to show how others are wrong in their reasoning. You only have to look at some of the comments on articles in online media.
Try to show off your considerable intelligence to a stranger, correct what they say, tell them every point on which they’re wrong, and you’ll have killed the relationship. Remember that it’s not about winning a debate, but about winning a person’s trust.
As Carnegie said in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, contradicting people doesn’t build relationships.
When people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of the mind switches off and their brain gets ready for a fight.
4. Show that you’re a good listener
A lot has been said about the importance of listening, but few people have explained the right way to do it. How do you become a good listener?
See also: Leave things and people better than you found them: one of the best pieces of life advice I ever got
Relax and stop thinking about what you’re going to say next. Focus only on what that person is saying.
Be curious and ask for more of what you’re interested in hearing.
Follow these steps:
- Listen to what the other person says. Don’t interrupt or show disagreement.
- Nod and say “yes” or “uh-huh” every now and then.
- Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the conversation forward.
- Make sure the other person enjoys talking while you steer them toward the ground that interests you.
We start from the assumption that this person, and their story, may be terribly boring. But we have to give the impression that we find it fascinating.
5. The kind of questions that win their trust
Life can be hard for everyone, whatever their economic and social status. Robin’s favorite question is about challenges.
“What challenges did you have to get to where you are? What was your biggest challenge? How did you overcome it?” That way, people share their priorities, and at the same time we give them another chance to talk about what they like so much: themselves and their ability to overcome obstacles.
But what really is the best way to influence someone?
Without a doubt, if you want to win someone over, ask them for advice. There’s nothing more powerful than that, because you’re showing humility and calling them an expert, so that person’s brain perceives admiration on your part, which in a way brings respect with it. They’re yours.
6. Your body language and your words must be aligned
You can use positive words, show that you’re someone who doesn’t prejudge, and even thank them for the conversation. But your body language may be showing exactly the opposite. And many people forget that body language is the biggest giveaway of an intruder.
(Read: 7 body language techniques that will help you)
Smile. A smile is one of the greatest generators of trust. When you approach, don’t face the person square on. Remember the article where we talked about the language of the feet. If at first we want that person to feel that we’re in a hurry, the angle is necessary.
But above all, control your micro-expressions. Although it’s hard to do, we can avoid the most visible ones.
And if you’re sitting down, remember to adopt body language that shows interest, not boredom.
7. Watch for the moment you go from intruder to target
When you approach someone, you can win their trust and they may like you a lot, but that person may think: “I like this guy, and I don’t usually like strangers I meet. What does this person want from me?”
That person may go back over the process and the roles may be reversed. At some point they may be the one who steps off your ground and starts assessing you with very direct questions.
That’s when you need to use all the information you’ve gathered about that person while you were listening to them.
Remember that this person probably will interrupt, will judge you and will want to take on your opinions.
It’s time to be yourself, but an improved version
This is the point where an undercover FBI agent’s life is on the line. It’s a moment of great stress, which has to be hidden at all costs. When we apply these techniques in the business world, though, our life isn’t in danger. So we only need to focus on not wrecking everything we’ve built.
(Read: 4 things I learned about business as an FBI agent)
8. Don’t forget your main goal
Just as on a first romantic date with a woman (or a man), our primary goal should be to get a second date. It’s the same here. We’ve just met someone, and we need to use every kind of technique to make that person want to meet us again. That’s all there is to it.
This article is based on a post by Eric Barker, which summarizes part of the work of FBI agent Robin Dreeke, originally published on Barking Up the Wrong Tree, adapted and modified.
Further reading
- Amy Andersen’s 6 tips for a successful date
- Why changing your body language matters for success (part 1)
- Where to start changing your body language (part 2)
- 6 public speaking tips from a world champion of public speaking
Featured image: Sam Hood, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
