The people you surround yourself with will influence practically every area of your life. Your inner circle can shape the way you see the world and life itself. I’ve always thought that in certain groups, either you change them or they end up changing you, and as a rule it’s the latter that happens. That said, when it comes to circles of friends, it isn’t about trying to change anyone.
We are the average of the people we spend the most time with, so some of your friends will add to your life and others will subtract from it. Personally, I look for just one thing in my circle of friends: that they have values and principles and help me grow as a person, but above all, that they add something to my life in some way.
This is a very interesting subject, but a very complex one too, so I’ll split it into two articles. These questions are the most basic ones, and in a later article we’ll talk about the friends every person really needs.
See also: The importance of the people you surround yourself with, explained like never before
First of all, whether we’re talking about romantic relationships or friendships, we need to be clear that this is a place we should enter with the mindset of giving and contributing, never with the mindset of only receiving. Help your circle in every way you can without expecting anything in return, and don’t worry if someone later lets you down or disappoints you: as long as you know you did the right thing, the problem is theirs.
How can you tell if you’re spending time with the wrong people? Ask yourself the following questions.
1. Do you feel they put you down in a destructive way?
And it doesn’t matter if they do it as a joke when the jokes never stop. Do they joke about your flaws? Does this person try to stand out by tearing you down? Do they make comments in public that embarrass you in some way?
It may seem harmless, and it may even seem not to affect you because “my friend’s just a joker”, but the truth is that psychologically it’s very likely wearing you down and conditioning you.
I’ve seen a girl tell a friend she’d put on a few kilos when she looked perfect, while the one making the comment was a whole collection of flaws.
There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism that helps us improve, but criticising for the sake of it and constantly tearing the other person down, even as a joke, isn’t something anyone should put up with from anyone, let alone from so-called friends.
2. Do you feel bad after spending time with them?
Sometimes people spend time with certain friends because they don’t have any others and would rather meet up with them than be alone. The answer here is very simple. After spending time with them, did you feel you’d wasted your time? Do you feel better or worse, freer or more anxious? Depending on how you feel, you may need to make some changes. Sometimes you shouldn’t underestimate the advantages of being on your own for a while rather than in bad company.
(See: How to deal with psychopaths and toxic people)
3. Do your successes bother your friends in some way?
Sadly, the truth is that many of the friends you’ll meet want things to go well for you, but not better than for them. They want you to be happy, but not happier than they are. Throughout my life I’ve seen how, after someone achieved success or reached a goal, a stream of criticism and negative comments began coming from that person’s own friends. You need people in your life who not only celebrate your successes, but support you in achieving them and push you to prosper.
4. Do you spend more time arguing with them than you’d like?
No matter what about, no matter why. If any reason will do to end up arguing with your friends, I don’t think it’s a good idea to spend too much time with them, because it can wear down your mood and emotional state.
5. Do they listen to you less than you listen to them?
We all have problems, worries and probably achievements too. That’s what friends are for: sometimes to listen to them and help however we can, and at other times to let off steam with them. If you feel like the group’s therapist, doing nothing but listening, but at key moments nobody listens to you or they quickly change the subject (they’re not interested in what you’re telling them), you’ve probably fallen into a bad crowd ruled by selfishness.
6. Do they constantly add drama to your life?
There’s nothing wrong with a friend telling you about their problems, but if they always have problems and dramas and share them with you at every turn, we’d be dealing with an extremely negative person, and negativity is contagious. You deserve people who bring you more than drama. It’s good when they bring you happy stories too.
As James Altucher says, drama belongs in the theatre, not in your life; in a good drama the hero often dies, so don’t be the hero of a drama.
Let’s say it’s worth investing some time in thinking about these questions in relation to our friends, and if we answer yes to any or all of them, we need to make changes. If they try to limit your opportunities or cut you off from other friends, or if you feel so busy with your friends’ lives that you neglect your own health and your own projects, we could say you’re in a toxic circle. And you need to get out of toxic circles as soon as possible.
Don’t be afraid to change friends, even if it means being alone for a while. Most people aren’t cut out to be friends (good friends), so you need to focus on the people who are worth it and hold on tight. They do exist, but they often don’t show up because they don’t much like your current circle of friends.
Featured image: Giovanni Boldini, CC0 1.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
