Bronnie Ware worked for years in palliative care, that is, with patients who were weeks or days away from death. It is that space where, as the last chords of the music play, we have time to look back over our lives and do something that is of little use once we are about to leave this world: regret what we did or didn’t do in life, out of fear, laziness or ignorance.
She has also written a book about it, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
Among the most common regrets these people confessed to Bronnie are:
1. I wish I’d lived a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
According to Bronnie, this is the most common regret. Many people study for a degree because it’s what their parents want; in fact, they choose the degree their parents liked. Others marry someone their parents approve of rather than the person they really loved, and others miss out on certain moments in life because of “what people will say”.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
Another very common regret, since we spend part of our lives at work. If, on top of that, the job you did for so many years wasn’t even one you liked, the time taken away from your family, friends and hobbies tends to weigh heavily on your deathbed (it already weighs on us while we’re alive).
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
From that time you didn’t tell someone how you felt when you were 15, to not telling another person what you feel, for better or worse, when you’re 40. People who regret having spent decades on strained terms with their own family and who, despite loving them enormously, never fully made up because they didn’t have the courage to speak plainly and say what they felt.
4. I wish I’d spent more time with my family and/or friends
Another very common regret, perhaps partly because of the previous ones: many people never saw their own children grow up and don’t know what it’s like to spend a day in the countryside with the whole family together. Others regret not keeping in touch with their childhood friends once their lives took different paths.
5. And finally: “I wish I’d been happier”
Many people have led empty lives in which they would have to search and search through their memories to find a single one that wasn’t marked by money problems, unemployment, work stress and a very long etcetera.
That’s why, if these people could go back in time, or simply give us some advice…
…I imagine they would tell us something like this:
1. Let go of your fears
Fear is present in every single one of those five regrets. Fear of changing your way of life, fear of taking risks, fear of speaking plainly, fear of making decisions. Someone once said something along the lines of: “I have only one fear, and that is that one day I might be afraid of something.” It is equally true, and you can see it in any older person who is nowhere near death, that most regrets come from what we didn’t do, not from what we did.
2. Don’t try to please everyone
Pleasing everyone is impossible. Every time you make a decision, it will suit someone and may hurt someone else. Life is like Twitter. Some people follow you and like your tweets, and others don’t. Nobody is obliged to follow you, just as you aren’t obliged to follow them. Live with respect for others, but if at some point you need to say what you think (for better or worse), give yourself that pleasure, as respectfully as possible if it’s a criticism.
See also: Mental trick: adding a single word to my thoughts changed my life and helped me succeed
3. Surround yourself with worthwhile people
Just as in business we should surround ourselves with competent professionals, on the journey of life you should look for good companions. At my age, young or old, I can already pass on a piece of advice I was given long ago and still stand by today: “Never waste a single minute of your time on someone who isn’t willing to spend theirs on you.” Time is the most valuable thing we have in life, because it is the only thing we can never get back once it’s gone, so share it only with people who bring something positive.
4. Enjoy whatever you do, and if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it
Since work will eat up most of your life, enjoy what you do and do something you feel passionate about. Another saying goes: “Do what you love and you’ll never work a single day in your life.” Leaving the (so-called) stability of a job to pursue your dream may be risky, but… isn’t it riskier to lie on your deathbed regretting that you never took that risk, feeling like a miserable wretch?
5. Money is important, but it isn’t the most important thing
I’m not going to be a hypocrite about this. As for the idea that money doesn’t buy happiness… ask the millions of people who have lost their homes because they couldn’t pay their mortgage. That said, it shouldn’t be your ultimate goal in life. I know someone (who you could call rich) who once told me:
I come from a poor family and I worked very hard for a very long time to have what my parents never could. Now that I’ve achieved it, I realise that in my family we had no money, but we were happy and close, something I haven’t managed to have with my own family.
A question that is often asked to gauge how satisfied we are with our lives, and to clarify our thoughts along the way, is: “If tomorrow you woke up with the chance to do whatever you wanted, would you do what you’ve already planned to do tomorrow?” If the answer is no, don’t worry, because you do have that chance: steering your own life is entirely up to you.
See also: Proverbs, quotes and motivational advice for entrepreneurs
In short: find a way to be able to say something like the line from a song by the Mexican singer Luis Miguel: “I could leave this world tomorrow, because I’ve already lived the good things.”
Further reading
