The world is moving towards unstable relationships. That’s the message researchers around the world are sending, and the statistics bear it out. In Spain alone, out of every 10 marriages, 7 end in a breakup. For relationships that start without going through the paperwork, the figure is much worse in terms of average length (80% of them don’t make it to the third year).
Many factors are behind the “non-progress” of relationships among young people (and we won’t go into that today). But science has been looking into this and has something to tell us about relationships that stand the test of time. How do you keep the spark alive in love? The answer to that question may be about as simple as finding a cure for cancer or bungee jumping without a rope, but here we go, after a brief introduction.
Why will you suffer in this life?
Most of the suffering you will go through in life, most of the things that will keep you from sleeping well, will come from health, money and love. The last one is hard to ignore, because in its early stage it works exactly like a drug, and in most breakups the addict starts to suffer.
That’s why, when we teach personal development, we don’t get into health topics (I’m not a doctor), but we always make a point of linking money and relationships at every level (including your relationship with yourself). Relationships depend on two people, so you can’t fully control them, whereas money is something that depends on you. That’s why we have never taken finances out of personal development, just as we can’t leave out managing your emotions.
With that said, let’s look at what science has to say about keeping love alive.
See also: 8 mistakes we make in relationships, from a neuroscience point of view
How do you keep the spark alive in a relationship, according to science?
Let’s start from some principles set out by the psychologist Walter Riso. For Riso, every relationship must rest on these three pillars:
Philia: both members of the couple must, above all, be friends. It’s no secret that the relationships that tend to last longest are those that began between good friends. They already had a solid pillar in place.
Eros: this is sexuality. Can the spark go out if a couple’s sex life drops to extremely low levels? Without a doubt. In fact, couples who start being intimate only once a month already show a deterioration in the relationship and a higher chance of ending up separated.
Agape: we could sum it up as caring about your partner’s wellbeing even ahead of your own. In other words, not being selfish and looking out for your partner’s good.
Many other researchers agree that these three pillars, as the name suggests (PILLARS), are not optional. They are the minimum requirement every couple needs to get going: the minimum spark needed to ignite the fuel. If one of these three pillars fails, the relationship simply doesn’t work, or it lingers as what is called a “zombie relationship“: a relationship that is already dead but, for some reason, keeps walking.
On the other hand, for Eric Barker, author of Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong, the idealised romantic love is not under your control, so you need a defibrillator to revive that love when it starts to fade or become unstable.
According to Barker, we can’t wait for magic to happen; we have to make magic. And, fortunately, according to this author, love can be built and it can be sustained.
How to rekindle the flame in a relationship
In a 2002 study, psychologists Karney and Frye found that overall satisfaction with a relationship has more to do with recent feelings than with any other event or set of events over the course of the relationship. How much more important are these recent emotions? According to the researchers, up to eight times more important.
Getting a partner to start a feedback loop for those emotional memories isn’t easy. And this is where the concept of “self-expansion” comes in.
What is the most common reason couples divorce?
Most people would think the most common reasons couples split up are constant arguments and affairs or infidelity by one of the partners. According to science, that isn’t entirely right. What’s more, in toxic relationships where people argue all the time and neither partner respects the other, couples don’t split up as quickly as you’d think. (Perhaps it’s true that we prefer pain to pleasure.)
So what is the most common reason they end up separating? Although each couple puts it in their own words, researchers Arthur Aron and Gary Lewandowski found that more than 80% of couples broke up because they were losing closeness.
See also: Joint or separate bank accounts in today’s marriages?
And what do they mean by closeness in a couple?
You’ve probably heard at some point that a person should keep growing, keep learning and expanding. That’s advice given at the individual level. Well, according to these researchers, it is also the secret to a couple staying together.
When we feel our partner is helping us grow as a person, closeness is created. When they help you become a better version of yourself, closeness is created.
Just as boredom kills love, feeling that we are growing as a person thanks to our partner makes us love them even more.
To put it more simply:
If your partner adds to your life at every level, that’s the one. If they take away, it isn’t.
What is your level of self-expansion with your partner?
A few years ago, the psychologist Gary Lewandowski Jr. published the Sustainable Marriage Test in The New York Times. The test measures the self-expansion your partner gives you. There are 10 questions, and each “yes” is worth 1 point.
If you score under 5 points, your level of self-expansion is extremely low, which means your partner is holding you back. Above 8 points, the level of self-expansion is high, and you have a life partner who is helping you move forward. Ideally you should score all 10 points. Scoring 10 doesn’t mean you have an amazing partner, but that the relationship has the minimum foundations needed to build a future together.
These are the questions of the Sustainable Marriage Test
- Does being with your partner lead you to have new experiences?
- When you are with your partner, do you feel more aware, more engaged with what’s around you?
- Does being with your partner increase your ability to do new things?
- Does your partner help you affirm the kind of person you are?
- Do you see your partner as a way to help you expand your own capabilities?
- Do your partner’s strengths make up for your weaknesses as a person?
- Do you feel you have a broader perspective on things thanks to your partner?
- Has being with your partner made you learn new things?
- Has knowing your partner made you a better person?
- Has your partner increased your general knowledge?
Note: in the original test each question is scored from 1 to 10, the scores are added up and the total is then divided. However, several researchers have disagreed with that kind of scoring, since most of the questions are black and white: either your partner makes you a better person or they don’t. In other words, it makes no sense to give a 5 to a question whose answer would be 0 or 10.
More science-based tips for keeping the flame alive
Never stop dating
When you first went on dates with your partner, you did everything you could to show your best self. You did all kinds of interesting things together when you first fell in love. You may well have seen that as a result, but it’s more likely it was the cause of the romance, and more likely still that it was both.
The point is never to stop going on dates with your partner. The quality time together that everyone recommends won’t work if all you do is set aside more time to be bored together.
We could sum this up with an old saying:
Treat each other as you did at the beginning, and there may never be an end.
The science here is clear: you need to do exciting things that keep boredom away. Researchers ran several 10-week studies comparing couples who took part in “pleasant” activities with couples who did exciting activities.
Spoiler: the couples doing pleasant activities lost by a landslide to those doing exciting ones.
Couples who used to go out for dinner and to the cinema didn’t see the same increase in marital satisfaction as couples who went dancing, skiing, rock climbing, mountaineering and so on.
The research suggests that, to last, a couple needs interaction, challenges and fun. Even couples who have been through legal trouble together have strengthened their bond more than couples who only did pleasant but unexciting things.
The psychologist Elaine Hatfield puts it much better:
“Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”
And now you may be wondering: how does this increase love? Why does it set that flame alight?
The answer lies in emotional contagion
When we feel excited, we associate that feeling with whatever is around us at the time, even if that thing isn’t directly responsible. That’s why an old saying in business holds that customers don’t remember the price or the product, but the experience they had. The same thing happens in a couple.
When you associate your partner with fun, you enjoy their company more.
Even treating your partner like a princess isn’t as effective as going off to slay a dragon together.
Any strong emotion can increase love.
I want you to think about Stockholm syndrome, the phenomenon in which hostages come to sympathise with their captors.
There’s something you probably don’t know about Stockholm syndrome and where its name comes from
It was named after a real event in Stockholm in 1973, in which the hostages ended up growing fond of the criminals. Strong emotions combined with adrenaline create an exciting experience (unpleasantly exciting at first, but exciting all the same).
This is also one of the reasons why some people prefer to stay in toxic relationships. They probably don’t realise it, but they prefer (and need) fights and arguments over going to the cinema together or quietly watching TV. They need those emotions, just as an adrenaline junkie needs thrills.
Strong emotions in a couple increase desire
Studies show that couples who do exciting things are more than 15% more likely to have sex in the days after those activities than couples who did ordinary things.
The psychologist Denise Donnelly says that having sex less than once a month in a relationship is a harbinger of misery and separation: a relationship’s death foretold.
She also warns that a relationship with few intimate moments is not only the result of unhappiness but also its cause.
She recommends increasing intimate time as a couple so that hormones do the work of happiness for you. It’s fun, so it counts as one of the exciting things: a spark that lights the flame by itself.
Another factor to watch in a couple
The researcher John Gottman, famous for predicting which couples are about to split up just by observing certain behaviours in a restaurant, says that everyone in a relationship should feel one thing when they look at their partner: admiration.
If fondness and admiration leave a relationship, there’s nothing more to be done. Gottman says that when these feelings disappear, he himself advises therapists to end treatment with the couple, because they can no longer be saved.
For Gottman, as soon as contempt appears, it’s also a clear sign that the couple should go their separate ways.
In short, if you notice the flame isn’t as intense as it used to be in your relationship, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. Go on a date with your partner as if it were your first, win them over again, fall in love with them again and make them fall in love with you again. And this isn’t folk wisdom from some well-meaning aunt; it’s essential advice any marriage specialist will give you.
The most important thing for keeping love alive, according to marriage psychologists
“Love is three-quarters curiosity.”
Giacomo Casanova
Gottman’s research shows that the happiest couples have a deep knowledge of their partner: those little details about how they like their coffee, their worries, the things that annoy them, their dreams and hopes.
This knowledge not only increases closeness but also reduces conflict in the couple. It’s what Gottman calls “preemptive repair”.
Some people don’t know their partner as well as they think. That’s why one of them sometimes thinks the other gets angry about anything, and doesn’t understand why. For example, once you understand that your partner sees doing the housework as an important sign of affection, it’s no mystery why they get upset when you don’t pitch in, and you can do something about it.
Each and every one of us has worries and sensitivities. They aren’t always entirely rational, but when you’re aware of them, you can do something to stop them from turning into a problem.
Choosing a partner means choosing a set of problems
For better or worse, there’s no rose without thorns. That’s why true love doesn’t come from being aware of all your partner’s qualities and virtues. True love happens when you know all their quirks, oddities and flaws, and you still want to live with them.
Understanding this will make you see what you call your partner’s “annoying habits” differently, and you’ll start to see them as your partner’s “peculiarities”.
Think for a moment about the exact moment you fell in love with your partner, or they fell in love with you. In reality, nobody can know, because it isn’t a “click” in the brain. It came from a set of small details, a series of little chats and moments that kept adding up until you fell in love.
Well, love fades in the same way. One unkind gesture after another, one boring day after another, little curt replies, little slights and little arguments.
If love was built day after day, you end up killing it day after day. It doesn’t happen overnight.
That’s why, according to the research, as long as the couple hasn’t crossed the point of no return, there’s always time to rekindle that flame and bring back those first moments. In fact, it’s much easier to win over again someone you’ve already won over than to win over someone new, because the first person already knows you. Somewhere in their brain they even keep those memories that you only need to bring back to the surface, as long as you haven’t really blown it.
See also: 6 scientific facts about relationships to keep in mind before you get married
See also: 5 money conversations to have with your partner before you get married
