Editor’s note: This article was first published in September 2015, and the author’s stated age of 36 refers to that time.
If there’s one thing I have learned at my young or old age of 36 (it seems like only yesterday I made my First Communion), it’s that you can’t run away from your problems. They say time heals everything, but I imagine that only works for matters of the heart, because in practically everything else, if we don’t sort out whatever is punishing us or wearing us down emotionally, that problem will tend to grow and will probably spread like a cancer.
Of course, very often the reason you can’t run away from your problems isn’t that they always find you, but that the problem is us: it’s inside us, in the way we think.
And I’m talking about situations as varied as not being happy with the life you lead or not being happy in general, not being happy with your body, not having the financial health you would like, not being happy at work, or anything along those lines.
(See: 17 steps to survive the worst moments of your life)
As we have advised before, problems that have no solution must be let go, and those that do have a solution must be faced head on, not ignored by creating a reality distortion field. Because when we distort reality, deep down we know we still have issues that make us very unhappy. That’s why we need to identify what we are up against:
1. See the situation exactly as it is
Don’t dress it up. Do you have a drug or alcohol problem? Do you have a crappy job that wears you out and doesn’t even pay for the basics?
We must see the situation exactly as it is. People sometimes talk about learning to accept yourself as you are, but if you weigh 180 kg, if I were you I wouldn’t try to accept myself just as I am, not least because there’s no reason to accept yourself in a state where you are even putting your health at risk. Obviously the ideal is not to get there in the first place, but once you have, instead of “accepting yourself as you are”, try to do something to become who you really want to be.
Likewise, if you have serious money problems, you do yourself no favours by telling yourself that at least you have your health and that money isn’t the most important thing, because you know that the lack of money is giving you headaches. In the same way, if every time you have to get up for work you need to say several prayers so that someone up there gives you the strength to bear it, perhaps it’s time to think about doing something.
I once heard Tony Robbins say that there are people who go up a mountain to concentrate on their thoughts and condition themselves by saying: “There is no mountain, the mountain doesn’t exist.” Of course the mountain exists, you idiot. Can’t you see you’re sitting on it?
(See: Why we drown in stressful situations and how to avoid it)
2. Don’t assume it has to be this way
We are lazy by nature, so if changing some aspect of our life takes effort, there’s a high chance we’ll end up looking for all kinds of excuses to believe that our situation is what it is and will stay that way.
That’s called giving up, or not fighting for what you want. Where we notice this most is in personal finance. Many of us were born poor, but some people have taken it for granted that they will work in bad jobs because they were born into a very hard world in which they are destined to scrape by, while others were lucky enough to land in a better-off family.
Well, don’t assume you’ll lead a life you don’t want to lead. You’ll have to work and fight much harder than those people who were born with an advantage over you, but ultimately you are the creator of your own fortune, or at least you are directly responsible for trying to turn your situation around.
Don’t console yourself by looking at the people who fail when they try. Look at the others who succeed.
If you want to lose weight, you’ll have to change your eating habits and make exercise part of your life. If you want to improve your finances, you’ll have to learn something about finance and put in some effort in the short term.
So don’t accept your situation, but do accept that you’ll have to work hard (very hard) to change it.
(See: 9 typical behaviours of people who fail)
3. See the solution as better than it is
This part may sound like cheap philosophy, but the truth is that whatever we focus on is the feeling we will find.
So when you set out to change or adjust some habits, don’t focus so much on everything you’re going to lose (really, if you drop a bad habit, you don’t lose anything), but on everything you’re going to gain.
The problem is that people want to see quick results. I see it all the time in investing, where many people forget about patience and want to double their money in a few trades. Naturally, these people usually end up losing all their money. In the same way, people who set out to lose weight may find they have lost 2 kg in a week without looking any better, or turn to those miracle diets that can only cause you serious problems.
Focusing only on the result when your goal takes time can lead to unnecessary short-term frustration that makes you abandon the change of habit.
That’s why we always insist that you shouldn’t focus so much on the result, and should find a way to enjoy the process, knowing that if you keep doing things well, the results will come in the long run.
To sum up: be realistic and see the situation or problem exactly as it is. Once you have identified the situation that makes you unhappy, never assume it has to stay that way. In other words, don’t assume it has to be like this. We set a goal and look for a solution. Since the solution will involve sacrifices, we’ll look for a way to find the positive side of those sacrifices. In fact, I would even advise replacing the word “sacrifice” with simply “change”, as it has fewer negative connotations.
As easy, or as hard, as that.
See also: The surprising truth about happiness
Featured image: Pierce, C.C. (Charles C.), 1861-1946, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
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