In a previous article we talked about how to learn to influence others. This time, writer Jeff Haden gives us a summary of 9 points drawn from Dale Carnegie’s book (How to Win Friends and Influence People) about habits and behaviours that produce the opposite result: you end up irritating people and, as a consequence, losing “friends”. Basically, it is the perfect guide to being a real, complete jerk. I’m sure that both among your friends and at work you have come across people who fit one or several of these habits.
1. You waste people’s time
Every time you arrive late for an appointment or a meeting, the subconscious of everyone there picks up a very clear message: their time is not important to you. The same goes for when you wait until the shop assistant has finished ringing you up before you start looking for your cash or your debit card.
Every time you see a waiter clearing up, sweeping or mopping and you ask whether they are closing, knowing full well that out of politeness they will tell you there’s no hurry, then, unless you’re an idiot, you will put two and two together: “clearing up and sweeping = we want to go home”.
Experience shows that people who are annoying in these small details are the same in the more important ones, because people who can’t tell that their actions inconvenience others are oblivious to other people’s needs.
See also: Profile of people who are always late
2. Ignoring people who are on a “lower” level
Imagine that at your gym there is an overweight older man working hard at his routines. To most people he is invisible, for the simple reason that he supposedly doesn’t fit in. Then there are the “expert-level jerks”, who take the chance to laugh at him between the weights and the mirror.
This happens at work too, where we seem to talk only to the people we are supposedly meant to talk to. It’s as if you were allowed to talk to the secretary, the salespeople and even the cleaner (especially if she’s pretty), but we don’t seem to be programmed to talk to the maintenance technician or the window cleaner.
There is no rule saying you can’t say good morning to the man in the blue overalls, even if you consider him to be on a lower level than the one you really deserve.
See also: 6 tips for a successful date
3. You ask for more than you should
A colleague asks you for a small favour that takes no effort on your part. You do it, and you think that gives you the right to ask him for a favour that would take a great deal of effort on his part or put him in an awkward position.
At other times you haven’t done anything for anybody, yet you feel entitled to ask for a favour and expect it to be granted, because it matters a lot to you.
The thing is, your needs are your problem. The world owes you nothing. People tend to help those who have “something special” about them or whom they feel fond of, and they certainly tend to help people who help without asking for anything in return.
4. Ignoring people who will most likely never be able to help you
We’re talking about helping people who aren’t even in a position to help themselves. They may need some food, warm clothes for the cold or a couple of euros. It can be as simple as helping an elderly man across the street or helping an older woman carry her shopping to the lift.
I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe that our small acts can change someone else’s day.
See also: 15 habits for success
5. You asked the question, so you get to interrupt and do the talking
You ask someone: “What do you think of the company’s new logo design?” The person is giving you their opinion and you interrupt to give your own. Don’t ask anyone a question if you aren’t going to let them give their opinion; besides, it’s rude to cut someone off while they’re talking. Remember that people are won over much more easily when they feel they are being listened to.
6. Do you know who I am?
People who think they are very important tend to use this classic line or some equivalent: “You don’t know who I am, do you?” (in essence, someone asking a rhetorical question and then asserting it to make sure). And the truth is that it tends to be the line used by the typical boastful clowns who, whoever they are, are still idiots, because only an idiot uses that line.
7. Being very funny and witty (constantly and to excess)
We all know that people like fun types with a sense of humour, but sometimes these people keep going until everyone is worn out. They think every joke has to top the last one because they’ve already set the bar very high. They don’t even notice how the laughter gets less and less sincere.
You have to know when to stop before you create a stressful, agonising situation for everyone else.
8. Talking too much about yourself, with too many personal anecdotes
Your life is very interesting, and so is everything you’ve done. Nobody doubts it, but we have to understand that, however hard we try to convey our feelings to the other person, it isn’t a film, and we can bore them tremendously.
For example, speaking of films: I’m sure your wedding day was spectacular and one of the most beautiful days of your life (of your life). You can’t expect everyone else to be dying to watch your wedding video and laugh at the jokes of your Uncle Pepe, whom they don’t even know.
In the same way, very funny anecdotes sometimes come up in our line of work that people outside it may struggle to get.
9. Disagreeing rudely
“You haven’t got a f***ing clue what you’re talking about.” Are you sure that’s the best way to put it? And if, on top of that, the person who answers like this doesn’t give you their own opinion or the reasons why your reasoning is wrong, it inevitably becomes the typical line that sparks a confrontation. In 9 out of 10 cases, whoever uses that line does so because they have no valid argument to counter your point of view, so they fall back on a phrase meant to discredit you.
If you really want to show that you disagree with someone’s point of view, swap that line for “I don’t think that’s right…” or “you’re not right on that point because…”, and if you want to get straight to the point, you can calmly say “you’re wrong on that point because…”.
Further reading
- 3 books every business owner and leader should read
- 9 common mistakes when speaking in public
- 21 things young people and students should know and accept by the age of 21
- 3 steps to learn to stay calm under pressure
Featured image: Joe Mabel, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
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