Editor’s note: This article was first published in September 2014. Joke 2 uses 2014 Spanish salary figures, a starting wage of 460 euros, below the minimum wage.
To keep the good humor flowing, and as a kind of anti-stress therapy, here is a roundup of the best jokes about companies and business. (Also read: 6 business morals drawn from 6 funny stories.)
1. Diplomacy when handing out holidays
The boss of a company is assigning the employees’ holiday months. He calls one employee into his office:
– Martínez, do you like warm beer?
– Of course not, boss. Beer should always be nice and cold.
– Do you like sweaty women?
– Certainly not, boss.
– Good, Martínez. Then you’ll take your holidays when summer is over.
2. The pay rise
An employee knocks on his boss’s door, sweaty and nervous, and says:
– Boss, I need to talk to you.
– Yes, of course, sit down and tell me.
– Thank you… well, you see… as you know, I’ve been working at this company for 10 years. I started on 460 euros and I still haven’t had a pay rise. As you know, my salary is even below the minimum wage and…
– I understand, and that’s what we’re here for, to talk. Tell me, how much do you want to earn?
– Well, considering the importance of the work I do, my dedication, the rising cost of living… I was thinking that 1,500 euros a month is what I deserve. At least that.
The boss picks up the calculator and starts doing sums. When he finishes, he tells the employee:
– The truth is, you’re right. You are a very important figure for this company, and I greatly admire and respect your work. In fact, I’m not going to pay you what you’re asking. I’m going to pay you 4,000 euros, and I’m going to promote you. You’ll have your own office with a secretary, and I’ll give you a company car plus a gold card with all expenses charged to the company. What do you think of your new terms?
– Wow… but that’s fantastic. Really? You’re not pulling my leg, are you, boss?
– Of course I’m pulling your leg. But just for the record, you started it!
3. The new guy at the company
Somehow, an incompetent manages to get through the job interviews and land a middle-management position at a large company (and that’s no joke, it happens every day). On his first day at work, he walks into his office, sits in his chair with his feet up on the desk, picks up the phone and orders breakfast:
– Hello, I’d like a freshly squeezed orange juice, well strained, and a slice of toast with a little butter and a little jam, not too well done. And please, I’d like it brought up by the woman in the tight red dress with the big breasts who sits at reception. And don’t take long.
From the other end of the line comes:
– You clown, you’ve dialled the wrong number, you lazy, good-for-nothing slob… the woman in the red dress is my wife, you idiot… do you know where you’ve called? Do you know who I am, you piece of scum?
The employee answers, frightened:
– No, I don’t know who you are.
From the other side comes:
– I’m the president of the company, you idiot!!!
After a few seconds of silence, the employee takes his feet off the desk, stands up and replies:
– And do you know who’s calling you, you ungrateful son of a b**** piece of sh**? Answer me!!! Do you know who I am? Do you have the f***ing faintest idea who the hell is calling you?
The company president, puzzled, replies:
– Well, no, I have no idea.
The employee hangs up immediately, muttering:
– Phew, that was close.
4. Education and talent
Two employees, one with an MBA and the other with just a high-school diploma, are sent on a camping trip to get to know each other better. They pitch their tent, have dinner and fall asleep.
At three in the morning, the high-school graduate wakes up his MBA colleague and says:
– MBA, look at the sky and tell me what you see.
The MBA replies:
– I see the stars.
– And what does that tell you? asks the high-school graduate.
After a minute’s thought, the MBA gives a thorough answer:
– “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Pisces is in Saturn. Judging by the position of the moon and its angle, it must be about four in the morning, and meteorologically, I think tomorrow will be a very sunny day. Why do you ask? What do you see when you look at the sky?”
And the high-school graduate, after a long silence and 10 sighs, replies:
– All I see is that you’re an idiot, MBA… Can’t you see someone has stolen our tent?
5. Some managers…
A man in the middle of Madrid realises he is lost, so he stops a car to ask the driver:
– Excuse me, I was supposed to meet a very important client at 11, I’m 20 minutes late and I don’t know where I am. Could you help me?
– Of course. You are at the end of Paseo de la Castellana, at number 134, where it meets Gran Vía, between 35º and 43º south latitude and 50º and 55º east longitude.
– You’re an engineer, aren’t you? asks the lost man.
– Yes, I am. How did you guess?
– It’s simple. Everything you’ve told me is technically correct but useless in practice, because I’m still lost, I’ll be even later, and I don’t know what use I can make of the information you’ve given me.
The man in the car asks the lost man:
– You’re the manager of some company, aren’t you?
– Why yes. And how did you guess?
– Even simpler. You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve made a promise you can’t keep, and on top of that you expect someone else to solve your problem. In fact, right now you’re in exactly the same situation you were in before we met, but for some strange reason, now I’m the one to blame.
6. A diplomatic letter of recommendation
A very lazy employee decides to leave the company, which comes as a relief to his boss, who had been planning to fire him. This way he’ll save on the severance pay. But the employee needs a letter of recommendation from his boss, or the other company won’t hire him.
That’s when the boss finds himself in an inner conflict: he wants to get rid of his employee at all costs, but he doesn’t want to lie in the letter and saddle the new company with such a slacker.
In other words, he doesn’t want to lie, but he can’t tell the truth either. So after hours of reflection, he decides to write a letter of recommendation that contains no lies at all, and whose truth you have to know how to interpret. The letter says:
“You will be very lucky if you manage to get this person to work for you.”
7. The boss who read Paulo Coelho
An employee says to his boss:
– Boss, I need you to raise my salary, because my girlfriend wants us to get married, and on what I earn I can’t afford to.
The boss puts down the book he was reading (Paulo Coelho) and says to the employee:
– What looks like a problem today always has something positive in it if you don’t focus so much on the problem and look inside yourself, remembering that things always happen for a reason and that our present circumstances are what set the path we will follow.
– But boss, what on earth does that mean?
– That if you can’t get married because I don’t give you a raise, even if you don’t understand it now, in time you’ll thank me.
8. The president of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin
The president of Coca-Cola phones Putin and says:
– Mr Putin, we were thinking that if you’re planning to change Russia’s flag back to its original colours, that beautiful all-red communist flag, we could pay you very well if, in return, you let us put the Coca-Cola logo in one corner of the flag, since the colour would match.
Putin calls in his marketing expert and asks him:
– Listen, how long is left on our contract with the Aquafresh people?
9. Why is the Great Wall of China one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it’s the only product made in China that has lasted more than three weeks.
10. A pay rise
An employee opens the door of the photocopier room and sees the secretary touching herself and saying:
– I need a man, oh my God… I want a man, it’s been so long since I’ve been with a man…
The employee closes the door so as not to interrupt. The next day, he goes back to the photocopier room, and when he opens the door he sees the secretary going at it with a supplier. He closes the door again.
The day after that, the secretary opens the door of the photocopier room and sees this employee touching himself and saying:
– I need a pay rise, oh my God… I need it, it’s been so long since I got a raise…
Further reading
Featured image: Asqueladd, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
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